Recovering from my slump. I think I can cut down my sleep time to 1:am. It's just been hard... I haven't been too hard on myself this whole day and I don't think I needed much Tums to keep my sane for the day. Been out with Tin for most of the day. But I played up to another chapter of Tales of Xillia. Still miffed that I missed a mission. Oh well... that's what happens when I keep blowing it off. I'll just fix that on New Game plus.
Yesterday was fun. It sucks that Erin ended her day badly though. :(
But I realized this when we hung out with Marcus. The food was all imaginary. But as Marcus said, I am just some fatty anyway.
Then there was the discussion about subtle changes.
Yes there's a difference, Marcus. It's called we grew up? It's called we're not romantically involved and it's called I am over you.
But I wonder what he is thinking of it specifically.
On another note... I find that my eyes are not good for me or for anyone involved. Why is it that people always talk about my eyes.. It's a little creepy. But then sometimes I look at them and I think they're a bit creepy. I mean when I look at people I really look at them. It kinda gets me in trouble. I feel like maybe my eyes trap people or something.
Think I need to start wearing shades. Cali style. Marcus said he won't let me wear shades around him. Yeah definitely.. If I meet up with Corey or Leo again, I'll be in some shades.
Seriously they are all repetitive and I am sick and tired of filling in the same things and not feeling motivated to do it. The only one i felt I did seriously was the ODU one. If I even recall correctly it was on the final day and I rushed to get the application with resume and cover letter turned in. That was the only job I felt like that for.
But that doesn't mean I even had an ounce of a chance. This is so lame.
Not only that but I still can't drive. Still don't have my license. Nightmares about crashing into other cars don't help either.
If a person seems indifferent and they have been hanging out with the other person a lot more that you are talking about then most likely they will be relay what you have said to them to that person. I mean that's just how it is right? I guess there is no need to fret. I was never that close with this person and he honestly just annoys me especially as of late. I lost interest in people who shows no interest in what I am saying or any opinion and personality. So whatever.
On the plus side of things... I slept around 10:30 and after my nightly interruptions of having to pee and such... I was able to get back to sleep and officially start my day around 7:30 am. I am trying to stay up now so that I can continue this schedule... Feels good although I still don't know quite what to do with myself.
“I’m sorry about—I just heard—“started Raphyna, as she approached Cain and turned from him clasping her hands behind her back. After the news she just didn’t know how to approach the topic or Cain for that matter.
The boy didn’t respond for a while and it made the princess nervous. Raphyna felt cold sweat on her palms and her legs began to shake, her knees threatened to buckle under her. Finally, Cain reacted, one hand gingerly turning her face to meet his, and the other pulling her close. He had a strange kind of smile on his face, one she knew must be taking a lot for him to muster and there was no way she could miss the ghost of the tears he must have shed; transparent splatters beneath his eyes and on his cheeks.
“It’s ok. I’ll be ok. I promise,” he told her.
Raphyna nodded hugging Cain tighter. She stroked his back and his ash brown hair, rocking the both of them. In unison they mourned the loss of a father and a kind man, prematurely taken from them. They stayed like that for a long time.
After Raphyna’s confrontation with Cain about his father, she rarely saw him and often times made sure she that she avoided any place she would see him. It still felt so unreal and it was too awkward. She wanted things to be back to normal but she knew he had to mourn and she felt conflicted with the idea of him sharing his pain and wondered if it was even her place to pacify him. She didn't feel like she could relate to him, he who practically lost everything. It was natural for Cain to read a situation and say the right words or do the right things. Now that she thought about it, she was always the one talking; always the one venting to him. Raphyna realized that there were so many parts of himself that she didn't know. She has barely even experienced the entirety of his surface contrasting the fact that she openly revealed the deepest parts of her and suddenly she felt vulnerable.
“You look like you’re in deep thought princess. I know, how about we go to the market together today?” Gia asked.
“I suppose it can’t hurt.” “If you want, you can tell me all that bothers you later. But for now, how about we concentrate on making sweet bread?”
“We’re going to the market just to make sweet bread?” Raphyna asked incredulously although she was already salivating at the mention of sweet bread.
“Well, not just for that. But making it is so relaxing, and I’m sure you won’t feel as troubled once we’re finished.”
Raphyna couldn’t remember the last time she’d been out to the market. She knew she went a lot more when she was a lot younger, but lately as she has grown up she found herself much more attached to the grounds close to the castle not to mention the piling responsibilities that came with age. Sometimes she had to sneak out during “lessons” just to pick up a stick and pretend she wielded a sword, something she often did but had done rarely now--a past time she often shared with Cain. Raphyna felt the world spinning quickly beneath her, seeing blurs of color and faces. The market was not only coated in a diverse group of people from men, women, children, nobles, lower class, but it was also rich in sound as gossip was spread, children cried and barters were made. It was all so overwhelming. Cain’s name woke her from her reverie.
“Pardon?” Raphyna asked, turning to face her handmaiden.
“I was just wondering how you and Cain are?”
“I see,” Gia said slowly and thoughtfully.
They both went silent and Raphyna sighed. They filled their basket with all sorts of goods: carrots, cabbage, eggs, fish, flour honey and meat.
“Now we just need some milk, and we’re good to go. You’re so tense I can’t wait to do this!”
The two made their way over to the milk vendor.
“Yes, it’s so unfortunate what happened!” The stout milk vendor crooned. “Indeed, it goes to show you there are some uncouth men just running loose," a woman with a bag of milk added.
“Excuse me, but may I ask what you two are talking about?” Gia inquired the milk vendor and her customer.
“Why, we are discussing the death of the king’s animal caretaker," stated matter-of-factly.
“What happened?” Raphyna piped up, from behind Gia. Gia immediately took the princess’ hand in hers and squeezed it.
“Why it was said that he was found in the streets in a pool of his own blood. He was pilfered. Of course they say he wasn’t carrying anything valuable.”
At that moment time seemed to have stopped. Only when she put her fingers to her face did Raphyna know that they were flooded with tears. Her body shook involuntarily, wracking sobs she couldn't even hear. He was carrying something valuable and it was taken from him, he was taken from us, she thought, clinging onto Gia’s side.
“Oh dear,” the customer said, reaching into her bag, and handing a handkerchief to Raphyna. She nodded in thanks and buried her face in the white cloth. Gia hurriedly purchased two bottles of milk and steered Raphyna into the streets and towards the castle----- The two did not talk much on the way back. Occasionally Raphyna would comment on the sky or the flowers they passed. However a dark cloud of awkwardness and tension was intent on persistently following them.
Raphyna closed her eyes and allowed her fingers to sink into the dough before reshaping it, her troubles subsiding with every squeeze. Maybe this was all she needed. Although, the terrible news she heard she wouldn’t get out of her head. She tried to rationalize why such a thing could happen to a kind man, Cain’s father’s feelings in his final moments, his thoughts, Cain’s feelings and thoughts. She shook her head. Now was not the time to worry. She had to relax.
“Don’t cry into the dough or the bread will come out salty!” Gia sang, as she kneaded her dough beside the princess.
“I won’t,” Raphyna replied, attempting to mimic her handmaid’s movements.
“We’re just about done. Then we just place it in the oven and wait and while we wait, you can talk.” The handmaid quipped, placing her hands on her hips. “Talk…? Err…” Raphyna stammered. Gia has always been a close confidant, but lately she hasn't found it easy to talk about what she was thinking or feeling.
“I see that you have a lot on your mind, so you know it’s time to spill it, it’s just you and me here.”
Raphyna looked at the dough in her hands not saying a word. She rolled the white ball around with one finger. There was a burning question in her mind, spreading all over her body, resounding like church bells. She snapped, twisting around and pleadingly asked:
“Why? Why would such a thing happen to a good person?”
“There are some things we have no answers for,” Gia began, “Sometimes we have to deal with the hand we’re dealt in life.”
“And about Cain… I haven’t seen or spoke with him for a while. I feel bad but I just don’t know what to say. Not only that but maybe I confronted him about his father too soon…”
Raphyna's words came out fast ending in a quiet whisper and at the end she hung her head.
“You’ve been avoiding him? Raphyna, this could be a time he needs you the most!"
Gia pursed her lips, her eyes wide like that was the most ludicrous thing she had heard. Sometimes the princess was really hopeless.
“But what can I do?” the princess whimpered.
Although Gia felt a little disappointed in Raphyna, she couldn't help but crack a smile. She was too cute to be mad at and genuinely lost and confused.
“He’s your friend, just be there. I know, once the bread bakes, you should take some over to him.”
Raphyna stood in front of the door basket in hand, unable to knock. This would be the last place she would know to find him. He wasn't in the stables, nor was he in the meadows or at the pond. He had to be in his room. She had to believe this. But she didn't know if she could handle seeing him. I have to get rid of this bread, anyway she thought to herself in an attempt to gather courage. She was on a mission and she had to complete it, else she would feel like a failure. So she shut her eyes tight and knocked on the door. When there was no answer or sign the door was going to open she sighed, almost of relief, with a hand to her chest. As she spun on her heel to turn around, the door opened.
"Oh, princess it sure has been a while!" Cain remarked with a laugh, rubbing the back of his neck.
Raphyna shoved the basket into his hand, which needless to say took the young boy aback.
"It's cold." Raphyna snapped.
"Eh...?" "The bread is cold now because I couldn't find you."
A laughter erupted from Cain eliminating all the tension in the air and any irritation Raphyna felt towards him at the time. She couldn't help but notice how the slight rasp in it sounded pleasant in her ears and how alive it sounded compared to his current appearance.
"Ya made it right? Think I'll enjoy it just the same." Cain said with a wide grin.
Raphyna felt her face grow hot.
Cain started slowly, tilting his head as if searching for words.
"What is it?"
Raphyna breathed, her heart pounding in her chest. She clasped her hands, fiddling with her fingers. Cain shot her a sheepish smile, running a hand through his hair.
"Promise that we'll always be friends."
"Yes, I promise," Raphyna blurted, "and promise we will always be there for each other?"
"Ya know that's a promise," Cain replied with a thumbs up.
"So... I'll see you later?"
"Yeah..." he murmured, his voice trailing off and then quickly he added, "Would ya like to visit my old man tomorrow?"
"I... I'd love that, well I'll see you Cain."
The feast hall appeared dimmer than usual and even the color of rich food drowned out, not that Raphyna was focused on all of that anyway. She had been mechanically eating the food on her plate, her head bowed, eyes lifeless, conscious somewhere within herself, separated from the physical world. Tonight, it was just she, her father and plates of food. It was a tradition of sorts, for the family to have time to themselves even the castle staff enjoyed it, as they didn't have to prepare heaps of food they usually did not get to taste themselves.
The king coughed weakly into a fist.
"AHEM!" he repeated, when he didn't get a response. Still no response.
"My daughter sure is not very talkative today," The king bellowed, as if speaking to a room full of people. His eyes shifted to his daughter who did not say a word but she had turned to face him. After a few more seconds of looking at each other, the girl shrugged.
"I just have a lot on my mind."
"You always have a lot on your mind, but that didn't stop you from sharing before!" the king responded, leaning back into his chair and stroking his beard, staring upward with a dreamy expression. A floodgate of memories seemed to open to him at that moment of all the times his little girl would approach him, cling onto him and chatter away. But, she is getting older, and at that thought he frowns and looks at the cheerless girl beside him, things were going to change, naturally.
"I'm going to see Mr. Dimitri's gravesite tomorrow." Raphyna revealed.
"Ah, is that it?" "Yes and I'm worried about Cain."
The king patted Rahyna's head and ruffled her hair.
"There is nothing to worry about," The king assured his daughter, "I have paid a heroit. Cain will continue on to do his father's work, and he will continue to live here."
"He's...going to be ok...?"
"He will be taken care of. After all, he is the son of my good friend,"
Raphyna looked up at her father's face, the soft expression that lit his bold features and the slight glimmers at the corners of his eyes spoke greater volumes than his words. She literally hopped out of her seat to throw herself at him. Dimitri's gravesite resided near the stables he worked. The sight of the mound and simple headstone was sad but beautiful in Raphyna's eyes. She bent down and traced the engraving. Beneath his name was Beloved: Father, Friend Family and the Elkwood crest. Then she stood, and held Cain's hand in hers, they shared a smile and continued to look upon it.
"You're going to be thirteen soon," Cain said swinging their arms like a pendulum.
"In a couple of weeks, yes."
"Well, I got something to show ya."
He led her into the stables, with several pens containing different horses. At the very end was the smallest horse compared to the rest, white with a splotch of grey on one of its sides.
Untitled (Story of Raphyna) Chapter 1:Betrothed Breathlessly, Raphyna ran towards the pond residing in her kingdom's garden. Flowers were in full bloom, the wind blew like a soft whisper and the sun cradled her in its warmth. She breathed in deeply and breathed out slowly, looking into the reflective surface of the water, admiring the ripples and diamonds of light. Close to the edge where water met land grew bushes of sweet red berries. Raphyna loved the berries from the tantalizing color, the taste to the feeling of skin and pulp being crushed beneath her fingers and the thick sticky juice trickling down her skin. The longer she looked at them, the more she felt that she had to have them. A smile lit her face as she picked one, and then another. Selectively, she chose the berries and fourteen berries in hand she decided that she needed one more good one and it was over the other side of the bush under many branches . On her tip toes she stretched and reached--one foot slipped and landed in the shallow of the pond and only after she had the final berry in her grasp and restored her footing did she notice that one of her feet was bare, toes reflexively playing in moist earth. Raphyna turned towards the water and frantically dropped all the berries onto the ground at the sight of her shoe being pulled in. It still looks close, she thought, maybe I have a chance! She stretched over the water and tried to grab it, once and then a second time. Determined, she pushed her weight into her third and final attempt...and fell right in. Time seemed to pass slowly, as she struggled in the water. She didn't know how long she fought to stay alive. She only knew the stinging sensation in her eyes and nose and the heaviness in her chest as she struggled to breathe. She doesn't remember her silent screams and her limbs flailing, only fear and isolation. Then, finally she felt warmth and she felt herself being pulled out of the pond. She could breathe again, but it hurt, and her eyes already stinging burned with a fresh batch of tears.
"You're very lucky I knew where to find ya!" a familiar voice chimed.
Raphyna only continued to sob, squeezing the hand of her savior tighter.
"Why would you jump into that there pond anyway, Raph?" The gentle squeeze on her shoulders prompted Raphyna to look up to a pair of soft concerned eyes.
"I-I'm sorry for the trouble Cain, I was p-picking berries and my shoe fell in and I--"
"All for a shoe? Raph, you have plenty of those, your life is worth more than that!"
"I'm sorry.... I'm so sorry..."
"Why are you apologizin'? I'm just glad I got to ya in time..." Cain murmured, wrapping his arms around Raphyna, "Don't do something like that again, ya hear?"
"Thank you," Raphyna breathes into Cain's tunic, returning the embrace.
"Anyway, they've been lookin' for ya in the palace."
Cain abruptly drops his hands to his side. There is a silence between them and no sound but the wind sweeping through leaves, and grass. Raphyna looks up and manages a smile, before taking one of Cain's hand in her own. "I wonder what for?" "Let's find out, princess,"
Upon arriving at the palace, the two parted ways. Raphyna managed to get into the castle undetected. She cautiously wandered the halls, hiding in corners and behind armored statues so she would not be seen. She was hoping to reach her room soon, before she was found out. She was doing well until...
"Hey!" A young, dark haired boy yelled.
"You! Apologize for running into me, right now!"
"Yes YOU! You--"
"Alright, what is this ruckus?" a serene voice broke through all of the yelling.
"Princess, come here, I have to fix you for dinner time."
"Princess?" The boy repeated, with bewilderment, looking the young girl up and down.
The girl didn't look like a princess. At least not from the stories he has read and has been told. The girl who stood before him was dripping wet, hair in tangled mess, with bits of grime clinging to her and only one shoe. She glared at him and stuck her tongue out before following her handmaid.
"Princess, what happened to you?" "I....fell into the pond--but it's ok, Cain saved me!" "Why aren't you a lucky duck?" Gia crooned, scrubbing the young girl in the tub.
"Yes, Cain is such a great friend."
"Indeed," the handmaid replied, this time rinsing the girl and preparing a towel for her to dry herself with.
Raphyna took the towel and dried herself as much as possible as her clothes were prepared. She looked the mirror, twisting some hair with her finger.
"So, why was everyone looking for me and what is this big dinner about?" "Princess, that young boy in the hall is a prince from our neighboring kingdom, Boltan." "He's a prince?" The girl asked quizzically, but she kept her thoughts to herself. Gia could already read the look of horror and disbelief on her face.
"Yes, and at dinner everything will be clear." "Everything will be clear...? Wait, what's going on?"
"You'll know soon, love." Gia said, as she teased the young girl's hair.
Raphyna felt some of her uneasiness calmed by the gentle sound of Gia's voice. But she still felt worried. The young princess always struggled with uncertainties. There was an air of business that hung over the dinner table, the two royal families sitting across of each other. Raphyna shot daggers across the table at the young prince across her. How dare he speak on her appearance. That's better? This young guy had all the nerve to make such a comment just seconds ago and for him to be smirking at her as their parents discussed matters. "I am still going to honor the promise our family made years ago." Raphyna's father stated.
"It is for the benefit of our kingdoms," the king of Boltan reiterated.
"Yes, we are just hear to re-establish this, as our children are getting older, so they too will know their roles," the queen of Boltan chimed in.
Raphyna exchanged glances with her father.
"Then, it is settled Princess Raphyna of Elkwood shall marry Prince Karlos of Boltan," the queen announced matter-of-factly.
Karlos nearly spat out the juice from his chalice and Raphyna shrunk into her seat. The kings looked quite relieved that the news has been broken down to their children and the queen looked very pleased that even in private, for them it is really official that their children would marry.
This is a notice to everyone. Most of my life is for my friends to know. But you know I know there's those nosey people. Heck, honestly, I'm nosey! But yeah... leave me a comment and ask to be my friend if you're really truly interested, or if I know you, kay?